What are some common misconceptions about attachment parenting?
Although an attachment parenting approach is becoming more popular in Western societies, most parents’ approach to parenting in Western societies is less child-centred. Because attachment parenting is not as frequently practised as other approaches, some aspects of attachment parenting are not well understood and can be challenging for some people. The following are common misconceptions about attachment parenting. Each misconception is linked to useful information which may assist parents in communicating to others about attachment parenting:
- Attachment parenting is an “extreme” way of parenting.
- Attachment parenting will spoil your child or create unrealistic expectations for your child, creating “a rod for your back”.
- Attachment parenting is too difficult for most families.
- Co-sleeping is not safe for your child.
- Breastfeeding your child beyond 6-12 months is unnatural or does not have any benefits for your child.
- Breastfeeding is solely for the nutrition of your child.
- Minimising separations from your child during the first few years of her life will result in a clingy, untrusting child.
- A mother who does not want to be separated from her child during the early period, which may include the whole of the first year, is over-anxious and fearful.
- Parents who choose to gradually develop their child’s relationship and attachment with other adults before they allow them to care for their child are acting out of mistrust.
- Parents who do not want their child to be cared for by people that their child is not strongly attached to, during the first few years of her life, such as carers in child care centres, crèches in lifestyle centres, or babysitting organisations, are over-anxious and over-protective.
- Parents practicing attachment parenting are “martyrs” or are “killing themselves” for their child/children.
- Mothers practicing attachment parenting are ignoring the needs of their partners.
- Parents practicing attachment parenting do not have enough time alone together without their child to have a healthy relationship with their partner.
- Parents practising attachment parenting fail to negotiate proper “boundaries” with their child.
- Mothers who do not return to work in the early few years of their child’s life are wasting their education and work skills and are not contributing enough to society.
- Only parents themselves who were not well nurtured in childhood practise attachment parenting.
- It is not possible to meet your own needs and the needs of other family members without compromising the needs of your baby.
How can parents deal with criticism of their parenting?
Every parent tries to do the best he or she can to love her child. It can be very difficult for any parent to be criticised about his or her parenting practice. It is important not to criticise others about their parenting. The following are suggestions about how to deal with criticisms of your parenting:
- Try to focus on how important your parenting approach is to you. Remind yourself that nurturing your child will help to create a happier child and a happier world. See What are the benefits of attachment parenting?
- Surround yourself as much as possible with friends and family who value what you are doing. Parents practising attachment parenting may also be a great source of information about how to deal with criticisms about parenting. See our list ofattachment parenting support groups and attachment parenting online discussion groups.
- It may be helpful to explain to the people who are criticising your parenting the reasons why you are doing certain things to help them to understand.
- In some circumstances, explaining to people about the reasons why you are doing certain things can make you feel more vulnerable and stressed. It may be better to simply say “it works for us”.
Robin Grille has written an interesting article about this kind of criticism.
- Developing the father’s relationship with his child - During the early infant period the child is dependent on his mother for lots of his needs. During this period, fathers have an important nurturing and supportive role. After this period, the child gradually become less dependent on his mother, and the father will be able to fulfil more of his needs.
- Developing good communication with your child - Listen to your child and help her learn to express her feelings.
- Keeping your expectations of your child appropriate to his development and understanding.
- Maintaining an affectionate relationship with your child appropriate to her wishes.
- Developing positive sleep practices - Young children often go to sleep more willingly and have less anxiety about sleep when their parents lie down with them in their bed until they go to sleep. This is common until school age. Older children may also enjoy some time to discuss their day before going to sleep.
- Spending as much time as possible with your children.
- Using positive discipline - Explain to your child the natural consequence of his behaviour rather than using punishments. For more information about positive discipline see our links and list of useful books and publications.
Who practises attachment parenting?
The attachment parenting approach to parenting has been practised for thousands of years. It is common in non-Western societies. There has recently been a renewed interest in this approach in Western societies.
Many people practicing attachment parenting have not heard of the terms “attachment parenting” or “natural parenting” but have followed their intuition about how to sensitively respond to their child’s needs.
Attachment parenting is not a strict set of rules. Parents may find some aspects of attachment parenting more suitable than other aspects of attachment parenting.
Parents who practise an attachment parenting approach come from diverse backgrounds in terms of their financial situations, level of education, political views and ethnic backgrounds. People parenting in this way also have different family situations, for example, sole parent families, extended families, lesbian families, mothers that do not work during the child’s early years and mothers who do work.
People practising this approach also have had a range of positive and negative childhood experiences. Parents who were not adequately nurtured in childhood may practise this approach out of an awareness of the negative impact of a lack of nurturing. Likewise, parents who were well nurtured in childhood may practise this approach out of an awareness of the positive impact of positive childhood experiences.
Mothers may return to work for various reasons, including:
- financial reasons, for example, if there is partner unable to work; if their partner is unable to work enough hours to meet expenses; if they do not have a partner; or if two incomes are needed to meet expenses
- their interest in work
- a concern about losing their work skills
- wanting support and friendship from colleagues/workmates
- a lack of support and friendships at home
- their under-valuing of the importance of parenting as compared to paid work
Many aspects of attachment parenting are easier, for example, breastfeeding ‘on demand’, if a mother remains at home for the first few years of her child’s life. However, a mother can still practise attachment parenting and go back to work. An attachment parenting approach is especially beneficial to mothers who return to work in the first few years of their child’s life. Aspects of attachment parenting such as breastfeeding her baby after work, carrying or “wearing” her baby, co-sleeping with her baby and responding sensitively to her baby’s cries can help a mother to re-connect to her baby after a workday.
Your child’s father or a grandparent may be able to care for your child while you are at work. Having a person that your child is strongly attached to will help create a secure and nurturing environment for your child and will reduce separation anxiety for your child. The child’s father or grandparent should also try to practise an attachment parenting approach to caring for your child, for example, feeding your baby without schedules; using gentle ways to put your baby to sleep; responding sensitively to your baby’s cries and carrying or “wearing” your baby.
The following are some suggestions for mothers about returning to work:
- It may be possible for you to bring your baby to work with you. This will make breastfeeding easier and minimise your baby’s separation from you. You may also be able to carry your baby in a sling while you work.
- It is possible to continue breastfeeding and return to work by expressing breast milk. For more information about expressing breast milk and returning to work go to the Australian Breastfeeding Association (ABA).
- The person who cares for your baby while you are working may be able to bring your baby to visit you during the day. This can create an opportunity for breastfeeding and a time to re-connect with your baby.
- If possible try working part-time- either with shorter days or fewer shifts a week.
- Having a child may be present an opportunity to change the type of work you have done previously to better accommodate the needs of your child. For example, some mothers may start their own business from home or use the first few years of their child’s life to study.
- It may be possible to live off one income, or an income derived from both parents working part-time, by living more simply. Attachment parenting support groups can be a great source of information about how to work less and live more simply, also known as “downshifting”. See our list of attachment parenting support groups.
- If isolation at home is involved in a mother’s decision to return to work, attachment parenting support groups can provide not only an opportunity to meet with other parents to discuss parenting issues but can provide friendships with other parents and children. See our list of attachment parenting support groups.
